Author: actredemic

What no man will ever understand at this point and

 never will if we keep going the way we are

is that there is an extra domain of work

for a woman in the world.

an extra domain for a woman in the world who wants to remain human(e)

———————————————–

Domain of Negotiation 

regarding the intentions of the man

who says hello to me on the street.

where are they looking are they a threat Are they being friendly

because they want to fuck me Don’t be too nice

don’t look in eyes too long heavens sake don’t smile to(o) [much]

But

are they actually just being friendly

wanting a real but brief experience of human(e) connection the way I want

the way it should be could be?

Don’t be mean. Smile warmly hold gaze return greeting they

were being nice take the kindness at face value

But

don’t look back as you pass because you may catch them staring at your ass and  slam that open heart shut again and again and again and again and again and again and again and 

——————————————

Domain of Picking Out My Outfit

for the day beyond considerations

of appearance

and practicality.

Is this too tight/bright/cleavagy/curve hugging/classy/attention drawing

will they think I’m attractive in this and

whistle/grab/honk/scream/follow/assault/rape me in it will they rape me will they rape me 

will they rape me today?

Better

take it off if you have to ask.

But

I am strong and empowered and own my body and I don’t want to expect the worst and

Oprah says I should be able to wear what I want and

I love this dress/skirt/shorts/shirt that I bought and

I want to look nice I deserve to look nice I feel good looking nice

But

Don’t get raped. Take it off.

Put the baggy trousers on again again again again again again again again again again

——————————

Domain of Travel

as a

woman in the world.

What time is it?  

Do I have enough time

to adjust my route

so that I can

avoid that man on the bench that construction crew that guy with the dog those teenagers the park the angry one spewing violence at rejection that one with white car that followed me running that neighbourhood the one who tried to grab me last week pub with people spilling out all over the street

Should I uber/taxi/find a hostel so I don’t get whistled at/followed/grabbed/

raped

Are my friends leaving  I should go too 

so I don’t walk home alone at night alone at night alone at night don’t walk alone at night

Alone at night.

And

Do I have my mace/whistle/keys firmly in knuckle

am I ok to run in these shoes/this outfit/with this bag if I need to

is my phone charged so I can call for help if I need to

is my voice okay to scream scream scream scream scream scream scream scream

If I need to                                                           ––

when I need to          

over and over again and again and again and again and again and again and again and

It is a practice to be warm, loving and also a woman.

Michael Chekhov writes to ‘accept your being, your own body’ and from this you will be stronger (1939:19). Accept your body as yours.

 ‘I accept my body as mine’.

A powerful statement.

To say it is to uncover

layers of fears and insecurities and directly address

the construct that

as a woman in the world

my body is not mine. 

This idea, this idea that crystallised at 6 took root at 13 and blossomed ever after until recently

This idea that

my body is for other people;

to look at,

to enjoy to

be entertained by

to fuck with/on/in to rage on to love on or to

eat from-

I have allowed an amount of this idea to muddy the water of my autonomy.

Some days I sense it more than others.

-Some days I equip myself with a second skin layer

of affirmation

meditation

intentional serotonin release

healthy food/water/thoughts.

-Some of these days my heart is so full of

love and compassion

that no outside force can shut me down.

Some of these days I am steely hard and nothing gets through.

Some days I run past my second skin left on the floor behind me and the day is spent coated in anxiety tremulous heart unsure of how to respond to the world grabbing

Some of those days are considerable and there is a steel door where my heart was.

Some of these days I pull through with warm hearth-heart melting metal and

comforting the pace with which it beats itself

I feel good with this phrase:

‘I accept my body as mine’

I can practice with this phrase.

‘I accept my body’;

this is it as it is.

I keep my body as healthy as possible without inflicting change on it from societal ideals that are

not healthy,

do not serve me and

aren’t even mine to begin with.

I take ownership of my ideals again.

 ‘My body as mine’;

it feels good to affirm that my body is mine,

that it is for me and no one else unless I choose to share it.

This is mine and I treat it 

like anything else I value:

with the upmost

care and

management and

listening to and

nurturing with food and drink and valuable rest and sleep and time to move and play and laugh and enjoy and focus and work and intention

This is how

I take that muddy water and

I take that blossom and

I take those layers of fear and

I make of myself a lotus and

I thrive and the water becomes more clear and

the blossom more vibrant and the

layers of fear soften to strength.  

We are the creators and alchemists of our lives.

That we can flourish to the potential we need

the world needs.

It is a practice

to be a warm loving woman.

I have had numerous people say to me that I am ‘so happy’. And sometimes in this scritchy  tone of voice that indicates they may not consider that a good thing. I have also had people say to me that my high energy approach to work ‘looks exhausting’,  that I am a ‘spark plug’, a ‘pollyanna’, and ‘crazy’. 😊

I’m usually glad to hear it, because I intend to be this happy. I practice it everyday.

One more time for the cheap seats; happiness is a practice. It’s a discipline. A fun discipline.

Here’s what I do:

Every morning when I wake up – before I think of anything else, let alone reach for Facebook – I think of ten things I am grateful for. This usually starts with the fact that I am alive – as evidenced by the wonderful fact that I woke up at all – and moves up from there (I have a roof over my head, I am healthy,  there is food in the fridge… you get it.)

Then I meditate for anywhere from 10 -30 minutes, depending on what I have going that day.

Then I visualize what I want my life to look like and how that can benefit others.  I picture that I am in that, NOW. I feel what it feels like to be there, I let myself react to that feeling.

By this time, I am usually happy-dancing around the room, so I just do that for a while. It’s nice.

Then, and this is key – I affirm to myself and the universe that I am worthy of the very best in life, worthy of my dreams for myself and for the world, and that I allow myself to *continue* to receive it all now.

* Continue*- because I have already received boundless blessings – many of which I imagined prior to their happening. I’m telling you, visualize what you want clearly and with the joy actually having already received it. Hold it in your heart as you work towards it, talk about it positively with others, and be open to receiving it because it will come if you let it, I promise you. If I can do it, you can do it too.

After all of this I am still wiggling with happiness, and ready to move around so I exercise, every day, for 30 – 90 minutes depending on the day. Serotonin, ya’ll.

Then I’m ready to work – focused, and with energy, and of course, happiness.

Throughout the day I do and give what I can to other people – whether its time, money, a smile, or just a silent sending of love and blessings.

Don’t have time for all this? Adapt it- I meditate on the train. A lot.  I have no idea how many empty classrooms, green spaces, and public toilets I’ve done affirmations in. Kindness is easy, and free- give that person you pass on your commute a smile, or buy an extra something when you grab lunch for someone who may need/want it.

Start small- meditate for 5 minutes a day in the beginning, then move up as you grow in your practice. The important part is that it is indeed a practice.

Think you can’t do it? I’m one of millions that practices this type of routine- people from all walks of life, cultures, and privileges have manifested their own happiness and benefited others through similar methods. This is what works for me– it’s yours to adapt. Or to be a springboard from which you can research and develop your own discipline.

Give it a whirl- and let me know what manifests 😊

Love you all ❤

I read an article this week eviscerating Leann Tweeden, the woman Al Franken harassed; showing pictures of her in skimpy clothes, drinking an dancing, and kissing Franken- while critiquing her body and ‘relaxed posture’ as indicative that she was comfortable with it all, ‘why would she have her arm around his neck if she didn’t want it?’ ‘look at her smiling, she obviously loves it’.

Okaay.  Let me count the problems here- first, to get this classic out of the way: hordes of pictures of her in a short skirt is nothing more than slut-shaming /victim-blaming- because of what she was wearing, she ‘invited’ the harassment. If you are wearing an expensive watch, is it ok for me a) to assume your loaded, and b) to empty your bank account? I don’t think so.

Second, most of us woman are aware that there is an element of complicity in our own oppression when we have to survive in it. I woke up in the middle of being raped by a very large man. After scanning my brain, body, and environment for signs of any worse doing- injuries, binds and gags, other people jockeying for their turn, (a fact horrid enough to even acknowledge is a consideration)- I did what most people would not expect a person in that situation to do- I went along with it. I did not fake moans. I did not fake enjoying it. I did not kiss him back. And I did not fight. Why?

BECAUSE I WANTED TO SURVIVE THIS TO LIVE ANOTHER DAY. I WOKE UP WITH SOME LARGE HUMAN FUCKING ME, WHAT ELSE ARE THEY GOING TO DO??  This person had the power to strangle me- all he had to was tighten hands already wrapped around my throat. I went with it, so I could get the fuck out of there alive.

THIS IS NO DIFFFERENT FROM THE LIVED EXPERIENCE OF WOMEN EVERYDAY. We go with it- fake a smile at unwanted and unwarranted harassment, laugh off sexist jokes, silently work harder when male colleagues make more for the same job.  We go with it, so that we can keep the job, so that we can go home alive, so that we can have a socially acceptable glass of wine and ‘bitch’ session with our girlfriends- glossing over the day, the cat calls, the mansplaining, the glaring inequality. Ignoring the moves to make true transformation of all of this because why? Maybe its because we’re oppressed to the point where we accept this is ‘how it is’. Maybe it’s because we have a recent history of fighting to get the voice, get the vote, get the vocation, and we’re tired, and why take the risk of losing any more hard gained ground? Maybe it’s because the risk it takes to change this threatens our survival- and the only time we humans do fight for transformation is when we’ve reached that awful tipping point where enough people have been affected; scarred, brutalized, killed, and we must make that change or else we all die in a heap under some white mans enormous foot.

And, on this note- men: you are complicit whether you’ve raped or not, beaten or not, harassed or not. You are complicit until you stand like a damn in the river with your hand out and your open mouth speaking words of ‘stop’ to the rest of the men in your category. You are complicit because at this moment in time, you are the only one they will listen to. The only one they trust. Know that, and act on it- you have a great responsibility. And stop defending your heroes when they are accused of the oppression of others. They are then not your heroes if you are a human being. If you are a man who believes women.

Women, do not let these accusations of falsehood against this woman deter you from voicing the name of your oppressor. Do not let this blowback, ‘who’s going to be next?!’ bullshit make you shy away from pointing your finger and voice at the person who took over your autonomy. Do not let your autonomy be taken over again by the voices of people who are defending an oppressor. Please. Keep saying MeToo, keep believing yourself, keep believing other women.

This is one issue of many in our times, and I acknowledge that I have simplified the overall issue of harassment and sexual oppression by using the gender binary. I have not considered the complex and intertwined issues of class and race here either. This is a direct address to the blowback against Leeann Tweeden, which puts so many MeToo’er’s, the majority being women, at risk of conflating this blowback to their own situation.  And this is aimed at the defenders of Al Franken and others like him (Louis CK, anyone?) – the majority of whom are men. So, men: ears up, ego’s down. Women: speak up (if you need) and thrown down (when you can).

And peace to us all.

Step 1). Do no pre-PhD reading. Yes, use your breaks to watch all the Rick & Morty you want justified by the notion that its basically carbo-loading for a brain marathon.  You still have to train for said marathon. Reading= weekly 40 mile runs. Not to put too fine a point on it but I’m American and I like to over ‘splain things sometimes.

Step 2). Get off a plane and walk into school. Give yourself a break- I didn’t, and I’m pretty sure that Reception, the Librarians and the entire I.T. Department are throwing darts at my shitty, jet lagged, confused emails.

Step 3). Wonder about your partner/spouse. Maybe they got their visa rejected. Maybe you have no idea when you’re going to see them again. Maybe you have to start teaching, going to classes of your own, researching, meetings, flat hunting and traveling from work to airbnb to hostel to school to friends couch to new airbnb rinse repeat all at the same time and ALONE for 4 weeks.  Do whatever the fuck you can to avoid this. Nothing personal here. I’m not mad. You’re mad.

Step 4). Go to Ikea on a school night. Just don’t. Or have a designated ‘we’re done here’ person to police your frantic activity. Thanks Drew.

Step 5). Panic. It will get better and easier. And if you need to switch to decaf because your 9 cups a day are sending you to new and unexplored territories of anxiety, let it happen.

Step 6). Complain all the time- this is a huge, wonderful and rare opportunity. Suck it up, Buttercup. This shit is happening, in good times and bad, for better or worse, for the next three years. It’s up to you to make it better, and good. No matter how your PhD did or did not start.

Love ya!